Attachment Styles

As a child, I never thought about the connections I had with others and how I showed up in relationships. I had never analyzed the differences between the relationship I had with my siblings, parents, teachers, or friends, and what the impact of these relationships would be into my adulthood. As I have grown, and learned more about myself, relationships, and general mental health, I am able to look at how all of the relationships I had growing up have impacted my attachment style. 

Attachment styles, and attachment theory as a whole, looks at the patterns of behavior in relationships. A person’s attachment style is formed primarily through interactions in childhood with the main caregiver, and this style often is carried into adulthood. Attachment styles influence the ways in which we are able to express intimacy, communicate and regulate emotions, and navigate the different relationships we have across the lifespan. 

Recently, I took an assessment to figure out my primary attachment style. I went into the process believing I had a secure attachment style, as I had solid, strong relationships with my primary caregivers as a child, and felt as though this had carried over into my adult life. However, I was shocked to learn my results. I had a primarily anxious attachment style, which is characterized by constant hypervigilance in relationships, need for reassurance from the other in the relationship, and a fear that they will be abandoned by the other person. I was completely stunned as I read through how anxious attachment is formed, and how it manifests itself in adulthood, because how could this be my attachment style? How could I have formed this type of attachment? However, as I reflected on my childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood, I was able to pinpoint several times throughout my life when relationships made slight alterations to how I showed up in relationships moving forward. 

Yes, attachment styles are formed in childhood, but they can be changed throughout the lifespan with different experiences in relationships. Someone who has a secure attachment as a child may have negative experiences in their adolescence or young adulthood which alter how they connect in relationships, thus potentially shifting them into a more anxious or avoidant attachment style. This can be frustrating to consider, but this also can give us hope that we can heal, grow, and change. This means we can move from an avoidant, anxious, or disorganized attachment style to a place of secure attachment. It takes incredibly deep self-work to be able to heal in this way and become more secure, but it is possible. 

As I navigate my own journey to secure attachment, I have already seen positive change. My relationships with those closest to me are stronger due to changes I have made in my communication, level of vulnerability, and self-image. While I am not fully secure, in seeing the progress made, I feel hopeful that I, and others like me, can achieve a secure attachment.

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Storrie Denton, LPC-A

Seeking counseling can be incredibly daunting because of the level of vulnerability one has to display. My ultimate goal with each client is to make the counseling setting a place of comfort and safety, so that we can work effectively toward reaching goals and achieving true and lasting healing.