Friendship Part 1: Red Flags

We talk about red flags in romantic relationships, but what about in friendships? As a marriage and family therapist, I teach couples the four things that kill a relationship per the Gottmans: contempt, defensiveness, criticism, and stonewalling. Each of these have been proven through evidence based research to lead to the demise of a relationship. It isn’t so far-fetched to assume that the same things apply to any other relationship, especially friendships. 

Let’s take a closer look at each of these red flags and how they might play out with a friend, leading to a friend breakup. 

Contempt

The feeling that a person or thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn.

Do you ever find yourself trying to share how you feel about a situation to someone, and they don’t validate your experience? Oftentimes, people have subtitles all over their face that read, “Really? That’s what you’re upset about?” This is the same as not caring and judging someone else’s reasons for feeling the way they do. 

Another way to think about this is this: If I think that spilling my ice-cream is the most embarrassing thing in the world, but you don’t, judging me for feeling that way is the same as showing contempt. It sends the message that, “You’re crazy for thinking that way. You’re stupid for feeling that about spilled ice-cream.” 

Contempt is the silent or verbal judgment of, “She/He is so stupid for feeling that way about something. She/He is being a cry baby. Boohoo, ‘Woe is me.’” This person thinks that validating your feelings is the same as coddling you, when they are two completely different things. 

Defensiveness

The quality of being anxious to challenge or avoid criticism. 

When you bring up how you feel to someone and their immediate reaction is explaining their side of things, that is the same as being defensive. It is also the opposite of listening and understanding your perspective. 

Don’t get me wrong; in healthy friendships, both parties can see both sides. However, when someone brings up a grievance, it is important to be open to how the story played out for them. 

When someone starts to turn the tables on you and bulldozes over how you experienced the same situation, that is being defensive. Saying things like, “I did that because you did this,” or, “That happened because of X, Y,and Z,” can sometimes minimize your perspective of the story. 

Criticism 

The expression of disapproval of someone or something based on perceived faults or mistakes. 

Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. No matter what you do, you always get it wrong. 

Feeling criticized can feel exhausting. When someone continually points out your flaws or mistakes, real or perceived, it can feel like you’re always walking on eggshells, waiting for the next critique to drop. This friend keeps tabs on all of the times you were late, forgot to text back, or will even make fun of your choice of clothes and music. 

This person thinks they know it all, that they are right about everything, including what you do. They often use words like, “should” saying things like, “you should do this,” or, “you shouldn’t do that.” They give the impression that they know what is best for you, and will give their opinions about what they think is right. If you go against their opinion, it can come across to them as being against them. 

Stonewalling  

The delaying or obstruction of a request, process, or person by evasive behavior. 

This is the same thing as leaving somebody unread and deliberately avoiding responding to text messages, ignoring your requests to hang out, and dodging your willingness to discuss and resolve a conflict. This person may even hang up the phone on you, or abruptly walk away from a conversation, leaving you hanging. 

This person will give you the cold shoulder, may make little eye-contact, and physically remove themselves from the conversation to avoid interacting with you. Instead of being able to tolerate discomfort from tough conversations, they will often sweep things under the rug, avoid it, and send the silent message that they are still upset with you. Things don’t actually ever get resolved, and when you try, you are put at an arm’s length (or more) distance away. It can lead to blocking you without an explanation, or completely avoiding the same events as you. 

This person has a low tolerance for conflict resolution, and sometimes thinks that they are making healthy boundaries by doing so. It is the same when someone is ‘ghosted’ by someone they were dating; instead of being kind and clear about the relationship ending, they choose to silently cut things off, leaving you feeling abandoned and wondering, “What happened? How did it end? What did I do?” 

In part two, we will look at the green flags that can be found in a healthy relationship, per the Gottmans, and how we can spot them in friendships that last.

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Natalie Frazier, LMFT

Natalie's work is primarily focused on Couples and Individual Adults. She is experienced in grief and loss counseling, traumas (sexual and life-threatening), marital relations (including communication skills and infidelity), and emotion regulation (such as anger management and depression). She seeks to be an ally to all communities.