Am I Safe In My Relationship? Exploring The Different Ways We Feel Safe in a Relationship

When I ask clients if they feel ‘safe’ in their relationship, I sometimes get an offended reaction. ‘Of course I feel safe,’ they say. But when I clarify that there are different ways we can feel safe, things sometimes take a turn. Safety doesn’t just mean being physically safe; it can also mean feeling safe financially, emotionally, sexually, digitally, or intellectually. When we don’t feel safe in one or more of these areas, we may be experiencing a form of abuse without even realizing it.

Financial Safety 

Feeling safe financially, means being confident that you are trusted by your partner to use money as you see fit. It also means feeling confident that your partner is not spending money recklessly. If your partner gives you ‘an allowance,’ and keeps you from seeing your bank account, or where money is going, this would be considered unsafe. As an individual adult, you have the right to be privy to the finances of the home. Once your partner starts to take control over your finances, makes the decisions on how money can or cannot be spent, this is a red flag. 

Emotional Safety 

If your partner mocks your feelings, shows contempt for your feelings, or minimizes how you feel, this would be considered unsafe. If you find yourself holding back from being vulnerable, this may be an indication of you feeling like you need to protect yourself from your partner. Instead of leaning on your partner for emotional support, you may find yourself going to someone else to discuss your problems. This can make a person feel isolated and alone in a relationship, or as if you and your partner coexist. Instead of letting each other into your inner worlds on what brought you sadness, grief, frustration, you may keep it to yourself or go elsewhere for that kind of support. If your partner tells you things like, ‘Get over it,’ or calls you names for feeling the way you do, this may be considered emotional abuse. 

Sexual Safety 

When your partner demands sex, uses or withholds sex as a punishment, these are major red flags for abuse. You are allowed to say ‘no’ to sex without feeling like your partner is guilt tripping you or making you feel bad. If your partner says things like, ‘It is my right to have sex with my partner,’ this is a sign of someone who feels entitled to have sex and is not considering how that can negatively affect the other person. Additionally, if your partner intimidates or insists on you preforming sexual acts that make you feel uncomfortable, that is unacceptable. You have the right to deny consent, even if you are married. If you are worried about saying ‘no’ then you are not sexually safe in your relationship. 

Digital Safety 

If your partner snoops around your electronics, keeps passwords from you, watches your every move on cameras, or uses images of you as blackmail, this would be considered abuse. A relationship with digital safety is one where both partners trust each other to be responsible with technology, is open if there are questions (not accusations), and is able to respect each other’s personal devices. If you are feeling monitored, this is a red flag. 

Intellectual Safety  

When your partner withholds information or filters information, this would be a sign of someone who is keeping you from learning things on your own. If you are unable to make your own decisions because of the lack of information you have access to, this would be a sign of your partner abusing you, intellectually. If your partner mocks or puts you down for the way you do think, or insists on thinking the same way as them, this is not okay. You are allowed to explore the books, shows, and information you want. You do not need your partner’s permission to learn about something that interests you. 

Physical Safety 

If your partner is hurting you physically, such as restraining you, strangling you, hitting, punching, pushing, slapping, throwing things at you, blocking the door so you cannot pass, you are experiencing physical abuse. If you feel afraid of your partner hurting you, then you are being physically abused. The most dangerous time to leave a physical abusive relationship is when you actually leave. Preparing things beforehand, and leaving when your partner is away from the home is preferred. If you try to leave while they are there, your partner may be provoked into hurting you further. 

All of these examples are important to identify in a relationship, and as an individual, it is important for you to understand that your boundaries must be respected. You have the right to feel safe in your relationship, in all areas of your relationship – not just physically. 

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Natalie Frazier, LMFT

Natalie's work is primarily focused on Couples and Individual Adults. She is experienced in grief and loss counseling, traumas (sexual and life-threatening), marital relations (including communication skills and infidelity), and emotion regulation (such as anger management and depression). She seeks to be an ally to all communities.