Let's Talk About "Being A Man"

The title is already a loaded phrase, which makes it challenging to know where to begin. However, there is one word that often comes to mind when we people talk about “masculinity” or “being a man.” That word is strength.

To be sure, “strength” is another loaded term, especially in this context. Yet this is precisely the reason conversations about masculinity are necessary. Strength can take many forms, and not all of them yield the same results. For example, if by “strength” we mean an ability to simply take what we believe is (or should be) ours, the outcome is often a product of an excessive and unhealthy focus on the self, at the expense of others.

In other words, “strength” in this view means taking, not giving; it likely does not involve humbly receiving either. Collectively speaking, this type of strength might look like picking a side, then demonstrating loyalty to “our” side by eliminating the threat posed by “them.” It looks like winning at all costs, even when that cost is forfeiting integrity or treating fellow human beings as subhuman in order to “succeed.”

If, on the other hand, we view “strength” as a willingness to give of ourselves for the good of others, that is an entirely different sort of strength indeed. For instance, strength might mean showing a willingness to sacrifice personal comfort or convenience for the sake of a friend. Strength might be turning down a bribe to not tell the truth, even if that means being called a snitch. Or worse.

This type of strength not only preserves our own integrity; it also protects those who are most vulnerable when this strength is not exercised. For example, when the Bible gives the command to not bear false witness, we are warned soon thereafter that vulnerable people such as the poor and the foreigner are the most likely to be harmed when this command is violated (see Exodus 23:1-9). Sadly, history is a witness to this claim. Countless examples remind us that when powerful people are willing to subvert the truth via slander or misrepresentation in the public square, innocent people with less power are the ones who suffer the most.

So, what does all this have to do with “being a man?” Well, if we associate masculinity with strength, then the way we define strength is vital to how we think about masculinity. For the boys and young men in our communities, we as parents and trusted adults can use our power, strength, and influence to help them discover theirs. We likely do not possess the power to control the messaging they receive from the outside world, but we do have the power to help counter a “win at all costs” view of strength with a better one.

We can promote strength that teaches our young men to value truth and integrity, respect others as fellow human beings even when it is costly, and is willing to sacrificially pursue the flourishing of those around them. If we can begin reexamining the way we think about “strength,” we can also seize the opportunity to reexamine what it means to be a man.

After all, it takes more strength to pull someone up than it does to push them down. Perhaps a “real man” is one who understands that and is willing to fight against gravity itself if necessary.

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Ryan Woods, PC

My goal as a counselor is to help adults, adolescents, and children by providing a space to be heard, process life’s challenges, and develop the necessary skills to thrive mentally, physically, and spiritually. My overall approach to therapy involves cognitive behavioral methods, as well as narrative therapy. I view counseling as a collaborative effort in helping clients recognize strengths, identify needs, understand conflicts, discover new options, set personal development goals, and make informed choices.