Misconceptions & Feeling Misunderstood

For those of us with ADHD, there is often this all-too-familiar experience of feeling misunderstood by others. Sometimes, “others” are the acquaintances or perhaps authority figures to whom we want to prove ourselves (like a boss, teacher, or coach for example). Other times, these “others” are the people closest to us - family, friends, or significant others - the very people by whom we long to feel seen and understood the most.

If reading this already feels familiar to you, then it might also be true that these misconceptions have occurred in ways that feel like judgements. Perhaps you have been called “lazy” or "irresponsible" or “inconsiderate” after forgetting about a commitment or missing a deadline. These labels (understandably) can feel hurtful, and sometimes the person on the receiving end of such comments may even begin to internalize these labels to the point of believing they are true. The result of drifting in this shame-driven direction can lead to all sorts of problems, such as low self-esteem, anxiety, an unhealthy emphasis on performance, or perhaps even feelings of hopelessness at the thought of whether things can get better.

As familiar as this may sound, there is in fact hope for those with ADHD. Trying to cope may feel hopeless at times, and that is a miserable place to be. At the same time, that does not mean those underlying thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs are true. What is true is that you are not alone in your experience. So, if that is in fact true, that means the resources out there that have proven helpful for others - coping strategies that may come in the form of self-help or maybe professional support - could prove to be helpful for you as well! Obviously, this is all easier said than done, and there is no one magic solution that will make everything better overnight. (If only!) That said, if you are willing to examine what you believe about yourself, and do this independently of those labels that have been placed on you and whether you believe them, that in itself can be an incredibly powerful step in a healthy direction.

Now, there are also some more objectively true (and untrue) characteristics of ADHD itself that could be helpful to understand a bit better. For example, one experience for folks experiencing ADHD symptoms is distractibility, which might lead to behaviors such as forgetting an appointment or difficulty meeting a deadline. From the perspective of the casual observer - or worse, someone close to us - these behaviors may be interpreted in ways that lead to some of those misguided labels.

“Lazy.”

“Irresponsible.”

“Unprofessional.”

“Selfish.”

“Inconsiderate.”

Ouch. First of all, if you happen to be someone who has a tendency to get distracted, you are more than likely doing your best with the tools you currently have. So, to hear moral, character-based judgements like this, which speak not to your ADHD symptoms and experiences but instead seek to stick a label on you as a person, that can feel immensely hurtful. So, let me say it again. If you have an ADHD diagnosis or have noticed ADHD symptoms or tendencies, this does NOT mean that those external labels - labels that you may have internalized and perhaps chosen to believe about yourself - are true. In fact, not only is it untrue to associate these labels with someone doing the best they can to manage their ADHD symptoms - it is also damaging, which often (though not always) is the opposite of a well-meaning person’s intentions.

If you are reading this and happen to be a well-meaning person who genuinely wants to help someone manage their ADHD symptoms, remember that the other person is trying their best with the tools they have. So, be patient. Seek to be curious rather than judgemental in your quest to offer support. Instead of labeling, ask questions, and if the other person is open to it, offer resources.

Remember, a person and a person’s problems are two separate things. A behavioral pattern of missed appointments or deadlines could very well be a legitimate problem to be addressed and eventually corrected, sort of like how low insulin levels are a problem to be addressed for someone who is diabetic. If the diabetic person has low energy because they need an insulin shot, this (hopefully!) would not be a reason to call that person lazy. In the same way, remember that what people with ADHD symptoms need is not going to be character judgments. What they need is our support.

Finally, if you are someone with ADHD symptoms and are still reading this, I hope this blog post has been validating for you. Perhaps you even feel a glimmer of hope that was not there before you started reading; if that is true, I would encourage you to hold onto that glimmer of hope and take just one small (maybe even tiny) step in the direction of retelling your story about yourself. That step might be texting a friend you trust and having a conversation, writing a short journal entry about what is actually true of you (and/or what is NOT true of you), or perhaps reaching out to our team here at Sequoia Counseling Center. If the last option sounds like the right step for you, we would be honored to help you take that step.

You do not have to navigate life with ADHD symptoms by yourself. It’s easy to feel misunderstood, and yet that reality does not have to be a permanent one! There is hope for you, and it might be just around the corner.

---

Ryan Woods, LPC

My goal as a counselor is to help adults, adolescents, and children by providing a space to be heard, process life’s challenges, and develop the necessary skills to thrive mentally, physically, and spiritually. My overall approach to therapy involves cognitive behavioral methods, as well as narrative therapy. I view counseling as a collaborative effort in helping clients recognize strengths, identify needs, understand conflicts, discover new options, set personal development goals, and make informed choices.