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Replacing Stories of Shame with Better Ones



Growing up, I was the kind of kid who wanted to do things well. Whether it was academics or extracurricular activities, my aim was essentially perfection in all I did. As I got older, this way of living became deeply ingrained in my sense of self. The more success I had, the better I felt. I took advanced classes and was part of the National Honor Society. I was involved in my local Boy Scout troop. I started dating my first girlfriend. I even played on a championship basketball team. Life was awesome. Until it wasn’t.


By the time I reached my junior year of high school, I was experiencing a debilitating amount of anxiety. I could no longer keep up with school, much less my extracurriculars or social life. I remember my guidance counselor commenting that it was like I had been a machine up until that point, but that machine was no longer able to run as it had been. Not understanding why this was the case made the early part of this season even harder.


The only category I had for this experience at the time was that I was anxious. Looking back eighteen years later, I can more clearly see that underneath the crippling anxiety, shame was at work. This sense of shame had overtaken my identity and my self-worth, because I was unable to separate what I did from who I was as a person. When I began to see the fragility of the things that shaped my identity, my worth hit an all-time low and my anxiety was sky-high.

Eventually, my anxiety was severe enough to warrant treatment at an inpatient clinic. There, I was able to stay enrolled in school, but on a smaller scale. Most importantly, I could focus on getting better. I got to experience firsthand the benefits of mental health professionals who helped me see that there was more to who I am than what I do. I began to realize my personhood did not have to be defined by my performance.


I wish I could say life has been rainbows and butterflies since then, but as most of us know, real life does not work that way. Healing and growing into the person we want to be is not a linear process. What I can say, however, is that I have continued making progress on my journey. Throughout the eighteen years that followed my turning point in high school, shame has reared its ugly head at times. Sometimes my self-worth is under attack, which happens when I have thoughts such as “I’m a failure of a husband and father” or “How can I help others when I can’t even help myself?” These thoughts emerge as shame’s way of manifesting itself in my life. In response, I feel anxious, and if I believe these stories of shame for too long, I start acting in ways that only make the problem worse.


Thankfully, I have learned (and am still learning) better ways to respond. I remind myself that my mistakes do not define me. My performance is not the same as who I am as a person. When I mess up, I have learned how to own up to my mess without believing I am a mess. 

I like to think of myself as a recovering perfectionist. This reminds me that I am a work in progress, and I am okay with that. Aiming for progress rather than perfection has proven to be an effective tactic for dismantling shame in my life. Finally, I have learned how to replace unhealthy (or downright false) thoughts and beliefs with ones that are healthy and true. Learning this has allowed me to experience so much more of what life has to offer, because I know there is always hope for me mentally, spiritually, relationally, and even physically (the latter one seems more and more relevant as I age!).


In short, I am continually learning to tell myself better stories. Instead of only listening to myself, I have been learning to talk to myself more. I remind myself of what is true and praiseworthy. Let me also say that learning to do this is not something I have managed alone. A critical element of telling and retelling my story as well as healing from the effects of shame has been vulnerability with others. I have been incredibly fortunate to have people in my life with whom I can be myself, and who graciously call me out when I am tempted to believe lies about myself. One of those people has been my own counselor, because counselors need counseling, too. (I suppose that is a blog for another day.)


Life is rarely all-good or all-bad.  In the best of times, there is difficulty. In the hardest of times, there are glimmers of hope. When shame tries to get me to believe its own version of my story, I can rebuke this false narrative and retell it so that my story aligns with what is true. Shame does not get to define who I am anymore, and each day is an opportunity to keep growing into the person I was meant to be: A person who is not defined by what he does.


 

Ryan Woods, LPC Associate

My goal as a counselor is to help adults, adolescents, and children by providing a space to be heard, process life’s challenges, and develop the necessary skills to thrive mentally, physically, and spiritually. My overall approach to therapy involves cognitive behavioral methods, as well as narrative therapy. I view counseling as a collaborative effort in helping clients recognize strengths, identify needs, understand conflicts, discover new options, set personal development goals, and make informed choices.


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