When the Holidays Hurt: Some Thoughts About Grief, Love, and Getting Through It

It seems like the holidays have a way of always sneaking up on us. One minute it’s pumpkin-spice season and the next thing we know, there are twinkling lights everywhere, Christmas playlists in every store, kids running on sugar highs while parents are running on fumes, and everyone asking, “So… any exciting plans for the holidays?”

For many people, this time of year feels warm and magical. For others, especially those who are grieving, it feels like walking through a place full of memories you didn’t ask to revisit.

I still remember the first holiday season after losing someone I loved. It felt like the world had hit “play” again while I was still stuck on “pause.” Especially since it was the first holiday season coming out of the pandemic. Everyone else seemed wrapped up in excitement and tradition after having gone through months of isolation— and I was just trying to get through the day without crying while pushing my toddler through the grocery store. 

You might know that feeling too. Maybe you’ve lost a family member recently. Maybe it’s been years, but certain traditions still sting. Maybe it’s not death, but distance… estrangement… divorce… complicated relationships… or a version of the holidays you wish you had but never got.

Grief shows up in different ways, but it shows up. And the holidays have a way of opening the doors floodgates for it. 

I’ve been thinking about why the holiday season feels heavier than most other seasons when it comes to grief. To me it’s the “Merry Christmas” video calls that I know won’t happen again, the names on the gift list that I no longer have to write, the National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation movie that just doesn’t feel right without that someone’s laugh in the background, the fun Christmas events and places that hold some very special memories of Christmases past. 

Grief is already heavy. Holiday grief feels like a sad movie with its own soundtrack, lighting, tastes and smells in a cold and sparkly timeline.  And none of these parts feels optional when the grief hits. We feel it all. It can feel like too much all at once. 

One of the biggest pressures this time of year is the belief that we should feel a certain way. Joyful. Grateful. Merry. Bright. But grief doesn’t stay tucked away and it doesn’t show up neatly. It doesn’t come all wrapped up in a pretty ribbon with a bow on top. It’s not bright or glittery. And it definitely doesn’t care that it’s December and we have things to do, places to be, and smiles to put on. 

It’s okay if your holidays don’t look like a Hallmark movie or a Macy’s holiday commercial. It’s okay if you’re balancing sadness and joy at the same time. It’s okay if you laugh one minute and cry the next. That doesn’t mean you’re struggling- It means you’re human.

With all that being said, I wanted to offer a few ideas that can help you get through this season if you’re grieving (from someone who’s been there)

1. Say the person’s name - Sometimes the world gets quiet after a loss — like people are afraid to “bring up” your loved one. But speaking their name can feel grounding and honoring. It can (and probably will) also feel hard. That’s normal. Swallow that lump in your throat and say it anyway. Pull up an old picture of them. Talk about them with someone who also knew and loved them. If that feels too hard, you can talk about them to yourself or in front of the mirror. Allow yourself to feel all feelings that come up as you do this. 

2. Create a small ritual - Light a candle. Make their favorite dessert. Play their favorite song.  Don’t think of it as you recreating what used to be (that’s unrealistic) — you’re creating space for what still matters in a way that feels right for you.

3. Let yourself step away - If you need a moment during a gathering, take it. If you need a smaller holiday, make it smaller. Give yourself permission to change things up.

4. Ask for support if you need - Call a friend. Text someone who gets it. Schedule a counseling session before or after a tough holiday week. Let people show up for you even if you’re not used to that. That old saying “it takes a village”, doesn’t only apply to raising kids.

5. Know that you’re allowed to carry grief and joy together - You may find small moments of peace this season. You may find tears that surprise you, especially if this is the first holiday season after a loss. You may also find comfort in actions and places you didn’t expect. You can be all merry and bright in the morning and bah-humbug in the afternoon. Whatever your holidays look like this year, you’re not doing it wrong. You’re doing the best you can in a time that can be exhausting and emotionally difficult. 

If this month feels heavy, we’re here so reach out. No one has to navigate grief alone.

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Barbara Johns, LPC Associate

I believe that in order to heal, people need to have a safe space where they can explore what is contributing to their problems and how they can use their difficulties as fuel for personal growth in order to turn things around and live life the way they really want to. My goal is to provide you with that safe and supportive environment as well as with new tools and skills that you can take with you on your journey toward healing and growth.